OK, so the kids have been M.I.A. for hours now, and I think it is safe to take a shower without being bothered. Ya know what I'm sayin'?
So. I grab my clothes, and go to the one bathroom that actually has plumbing. I start the shower. I peek out quickly to make sure the baby hasn't woke up yet, and that no stray child has wondered into our home and has to go #2.
Phew! Coast is clear. As I slip into the warm soothing water of the shower...
A knock. What was that? I didn't see ANYONE before I jumped in here.
Is this a joke? Am I on Candid Camera? Cuz if I am, I am gonna be real mad. I don't have any make-up on. Or clothing.
Another knock, then "MOM?"
"WHAT!? I am TRYING to shower!"
"Um. Deklyn said I was a bully."
"Are you SERIOUS? Is Candid Camera standing out there with you right now?"
"Nothing. Don't listen to him, and GO PLAY! I'm TRYING to take a shower!'
Silence. Ah silence! I can start to let the cares of the day roll off and down the drain...
Knock, knock, knock. "MOM?"
"Are you kiddin' me right now?"
"Mom? I have to poo*."
"Well, there's NO way you are gonna do it right now, dude. I am in the shower!"
"But I have to go REALLY BAD!"
"Then you had to go 10 minutes ago, BEFORE I got in the shower, so you should have came THEN. Right now, I am in the shower! You HAVE TO come back after I'm done!"
"GO! I'm in the SHOWER!!!!"
Silence. OK. SO this isn't going to relax me and whatnot, but at least I will get myself clean, right?
Knock. Knock. "MOM!"
"Are you serious? IS your dad home yet?!"
"Yes. He's home."
"THEN GO TELL YOUR DAD< DON'T TELL ME! I'M IN THE SHOWER!"
Silence. OK, I'm just gonna rinse this conditioner out before I have to jump out of the shower with it still in my hair, because someone outside the door had blood coming from a cut in their head or because someone has to #2 SO BAD.
I am POSITIVE that children have this tracking devise in their brains that tells them when their mother has locked a door, or when she starts to relax like .5%. They know it, and they don't like it!
I wonder if this is something we can have removed, like the salivary gland on a dog. Hmmm... Somethin' to look into...